#029: Tran Thi Thu Ha

[luvmyacnq]

[Tocxu]

@Duc, Quynh Anh, and all: I agreed for this contestant to submit her work in this format because she is special (you can see in her work). I put so much hope in this girl for the future of our forum (and even more).

The following is my grading:

Name: Linh Nguyen,

Score: Pass,

Comment: it's just wonderful.

[dieuvuongqb]

I would like to have her intro file. Thanks

[Thiên Bình]

Judges: Dieuvuongqb, Tocxu, Thien Binh
Contestant #29: Ha Tran Thi Thu
Subject: QBO-EWC Introduction
Score: Pass, Pass, Pass

Corrections & Suggestions:

“Through out (my) childhood days…”
“I was brought up in the passionate of (the) poor homeland…” or “…in the passionate poor home land…”
“...in a lot of community services (no s on service)…”
“…welcome relief from (the) pressure of work…”
“They help me meet the challenge of balancing (the) working life and (the) entertainment (word choice: social life).”
“…to help (many) local or charitable organizations.”
“…of holding a contest of (for) critical thinking and teamwork…”
“…in order to fulfil (fulfill) my lifelong ambition.”
“Nothing venture(s), nothing gains.”
“…management service to rich corporate (corporations)…”
“How deep is your love of (for your) homeland”
(“)‘Enough to put my homeland on the map’(”)
For the song “Everyday I choose a fun,” I don’t know if it is correct to use “a fun” because it is not very common to use “fun” as a noun. Maybe you can say “happiness” or “enjoyment” or “joy”
“Everyday I choose an enjoyment”
“I pick up (the) wind…”
“I’m waiting for you (to come) back” or “I’m waiting for (your) coming back” or “…for your return.”
“Walking through green fields (of a) loving homeland ever more.”
“I’m becoming (a) part of the world.”
“Looking out there (to) my beloved homeland, thinking about myself”
“I suddenly realise (realize) why I am living”
“(Be)cause my country needs a heart”

Comments:
Your essay was absolutely impressive. It is almost error free. There are no technicality problems, the paper was extremely organized, and your thoughts flow very well. The introduction was original and beautifully written with enriched vocabularies and great analysis. You even polished your essay up with a lovely background and a song at the end. Although if you could send us an additional version of the Word Document form of your essay or any type of texting format instead of in a jpg file, it would definitely help us with the grading process.

Your thoughts are so matured for someone at such a young age, and no doubt that you will be very successful in the near future. We hope to read more of your essays. Maybe one day, we will see your name in magazines or on TV. Maybe it is already happening. We’re very proud of you. Good luck with the next round and in whatever that you are pursuing. – QBO-EWC Judges

[Thiên Bình]

I was so impressed with this girl. Young people these days are so smart and talented that even I feel that I couldn't keep up with them. She's only 19 and has already thinking about her country, investment, and what she could do to help improve the lives of the people around her. I can see that with this girl, it is not just talks but she actually thinks about her plan detailly and tries to implement it. She reminds me of myself in a way but I don't think I had that deep of a thought until I was 20 or more so now. I guess that it is because of having a passion for community service is what driving us towards the same motivation and thinking. She would be a great recruitment for the organizers of QBO.

[Tam_2407]

Her resubmission:

Ha Tran Thi Thu
A1-High Quality Class-Business Administration
Foreign Trade University-Hanoi
Where dream comes true

This is the first time I have taken part in such a special contest. It has a great significance to me because it is not only for the sake of myself but also of my beloved homeland.

My name is Ha Tran Thi Thu. I’m 19 years old. At present, I’m a first year student of Foreign Trade University, Hanoi. I’m studying Business Administration, which sounds interesting but quite difficult to master. I was born in a small village of Donghoi, Quangbinh. Throughout my childhood days, I was brought up in the passionate poor homeland through folk songs and paddy-fields. Gone are the days when I wandered through the green fields with my friends being absorbed in fairy tales of the countryside.

Since I was a high school student, I have been involved in a lot of community service, which brings me a lot of benefits. It serves as a welcome relief from the pressure of work. They help me meet the challenge of balancing the working life and the social life. In addition, they offer me a good time and a great opportunity to meet and interact with people from different backgrounds. It is a great chance to learn how to work in groups, how to express my ideas and how to solve problems satisfactorily. Moreover, outdoor activities provide me with a sense of accomplishment because they benefit the surrounding community. We have been working side by side to help many local or national charitable organizations. I seem to have found a feeling of happiness when disabled children turn to us for comfort and help in difficult times.

For three years, I have had an intention of holding a contest of critical thinking and teamwork for Quangbinh students. Actually, teamwork is essential for competing in Today’s global arena, where individual perfection is not as desirable as a high level of collective performance. Admittedly, not all Quangbinh students have enough capacity of analysing, evaluating situations and collaborating with other people effectively. The way we study like bookworms just serves as a main factor hindering their chances of promotion in this dynamic world. In an attempt to improve our performance, I have drawn up a rough plan for this contest and I hope it will be welcomed.

Up to now, I have been studying very hard in order to fulfill my lifelong ambition. It is always my dream to set up my own investment bank in Donghoi City. As far as I’m concerned, the price I have to pay for the reward of owning a fast-growing company is paid in evenings and weekends and being the last in line for payment. However difficult it may be, I think “Nothing ventures, nothing gains”. My main goal of running a bank is to raise funds for industry and tourism development as well as offer stockbroking and portfolio management services to rich corporations and individual clients. Another purpose is to attract more high-qualified graduates. It is common knowledge that there is a prevalent trend of good students leaving Quangbinh to earn a job in other cities. As a result, Quangbinh is on the verge of lagging far behind due to its lack of skilled workforce. I hope I can help to prevent the so-called ‘brain drain’ and create more prospects of promotion for Quangbinh students.

To sum up, if anyone ever asks me “How deep is your love of homeland?”, I will not hesitate to reply “Enough to put my homeland on the map”. I expect all I have been learning and doing to be useful to my beloved hometown. There is a saying of the American president John F. Kennedy “Ask not what your country can do for you – Ask what you can do for your country”. On behalf of young people, I would like to express my feelings through the song “ Everyday I choose a joy” (composed by Trinh Cong Son) with the lyrics I wrote by myself.

Everyday I choose a joy
Flowers and smiles
I pick up the wind and ask you to hold it tightly
Then your eyes light up with happiness.

Everyday I choose a road
The road to my comrades and friends
I’m waiting for your coming back
Hand in hand walking on yellow tamarind leaves.

And everyday is a miracle
I’m becoming part of the world
Loving the life with all my heart.

Everyday I choose a joy
With my friends I fly to a place
Where we sing together
To see smiles flickering in the breeze.

Everyday I choose one time
When folk songs bring me to this beautiful life
I choose rain and sunshine
Walking through green fields, loving homeland ever more.

And everyday is a miracle
I’m becoming a part of the world
Loving the life with all my heart.

Everyday I choose to sit silently
Looking out there to my beloved homeland , thinking about myself
I suddenly realize why I am living
Because my country needs a heart.

[link]

The essay is so professional that I could learn many useful things from it and I had to see the dictionary many times to understand all ^^. But in my opinion, it is too long for a personal introduction at the fist meeting_ more succinct is good!