#052: Nguyen Hoang Yen

[luvmyacnq]

Hi!! my name is Nguyen Hoang Yen and I'm 15 years old. I live on Quang Trung street, Phu Hai ward, Dong Hoi city, Quang Binh province. I was born on May 19th, 1993 in a family which has 4 people: my parents, my elder brother and me. My father is a policemen and now he is working at Nam Ly ward - police officer. My mother is a wholesaler at Dong Hoi market . My brother is a student at geographic twelve class of Quang Binh Gifted high school. And me, I'm studying at class 9A, Hai Dinh secondary school. We live in complete concord because we always share weal and woe together and all of members always think family is a great responsibility.

I have a lot of friends, they are very intelligent and humorous, they always give me a piece of advice when I'm in trouble . If you meet me, you can see a dynamic girl because you can think I like talking very much but my taste isn't talking. I like painting a land scope, singing English songs and I like learning English best . In my free time, I often listen to music, watch TV, play games, go out or chat with my friends.

My nearest target is being a student of international relations university and become a diplomat because I want to wander about enjoying beautiful sceneries, I want to improve relations among every countries in the world and I'm fond of cultures of the mind. Perhaps my target is quite big but I believe I can do it. This work needs a high professional knowledge so I have been trying to finish my education passably.

Do you know why I join in the QBO English Writing Contest? Because the world has been developing very fast and this development needs a high foreign languages level, specially English at young generation. I join in this contest to improve my English writing skill and I want to exchange experiences with people who have the same hobby as mine. Although there are a lot of mistakes in my essay, I hope I will go on the next round.

You can connect to me by my email address : nuocmatthienthan_195@yahoo.com or my telephone number : 052 829657

Thank you very much!!

[Thiên Bình]

Contestant #52: Nguyen Hoang Yen
Subject: QBO-EWC Introduction
Score: Pass

Corrections & Suggestions:


Hi!! m(M)y name is Nguyen Hoang Yen and I'm 15 years old. I live on Quang Trung street, Phu Hai ward, Dong Hoi city, Quang Binh province. I was born on May 19th, 1993 in a family which has 4 people: my parents, my elder brother and me. My father is a policemen (man) and now he is working at Nam Ly ward - police officer (either remove this, or you want to say Police Department?). My mother is a wholesaler (seller) at Dong Hoi market . My brother is a student at (of) geographic twelve (12th grade geographic) class of Quang Binh Gifted high school. And me, I'm studying at (in) class 9A, Hai Dinh secondary school. We live in complete concord because we always share weal and woe together and all of members always think family is a (replace with “has”) great responsibility.

I have a lot of friends,(semicolon) they are very intelligent and humorous,(period) t(T)hey always give me a piece of advice when I'm in trouble. If you meet me, you can (will) see a dynamic girl because you can think (it may seem as though) I like talking very much but my taste isn't talking (I’m a bit confuse with this sentence). I like painting a land scope ( painting landscapes), singing English songs and I like learning English best. In my free time, I often listen to music, watch TV, play games, go out or chat with my friends.

My nearest target is being a student of an international relations university and become a diplomat because I want to wander about (among various places to) enjoying (enjoy many) beautiful sceneries,(period or a semicolon) I want to improve relations among every countries in the world and I'm fond of the differentculturesof the mind (omit) (and philosophies from all over the word). Perhaps my target is quite big but I believe I can do it. This work needs a high professional knowledge so I have been trying to finish my education passably (word choice).

Do you know why I join in the QBO English Writing Contest? (Not a good sentence for rhetorical question, just say “I join the QBO-ECW…”) B(b)ecause the world has been developing very fast and this development needs someone of the young generation with a high foreign languages (no “s”) level, especially in English at young generation (omit this). I join in this contest to improve my English writing skill and I want to exchange experiences with people who have the same hobby as mine. Although there are a lot of mistakes in my essay, I hope I will go on to the next round.

You can connect to me by my email address: nuocmatthienthan_195@yahoo.com or my telephone number: 052 829657

Thank you very much!!

Comment:

Your essay is very clean and neat, which makes it easy to follow. A few things that you should concern are your punctuation usage. Don’t use a comma when you actually have a sentence. If you want to combine sentences, please use a semicolon, otherwise, just put a period. Some vocabularies that you used and how you phrased your sentences were confusing to me. I tried to fix them to be best of my understanding although I am not sure if that is what you are trying to say. Overall, your essay has enough potential to advance you to the next round. – Thiên Bình.