#046: Nguyen Kim Thuy

[luvmyacnq]

Hi every body!
I'm Kim Thuy. I'm in class 10A9 at Le Thuy high school.
I was born in Jannuary 9th, 1992 in Lien Thuy village-Le Thuy distrist-Quang Binh province.
I'm 16 years old. I was born in a farm familly.
My father is builts the house and my mother is a small the market. My father is 44 yeards old and my mother is 42 years old.
My sister is in group 9 in Lien Thuy second school and my brother is 5 years old in hope school.
I'm a small, I'm 1.57 heighs, 42 kg in weights, tall, thin, slim and black long hair.
I like going out to play with my friends, I like the beauty.
I like eating fruits, ice- cream with my friends,
I also like learning Literature,Math,English.
My dream is going to be a literature teacher and good lawer.
Every body! I want to learn very well, my parents and my teachers are looking forward to hearing the result of my knowledge.
May I thank you gentiemen very sincerely.
See you again.

[Riêng]

Result: Rewrite
Comment:

Dear Thuy,
First of all, thank you so much for your participation in our contest even though you are living in a place that not easy for you to access the internet. I really appreciate your effort.

However, you made too man mistakes in your essay, from spelling to grammar as well as the way you express your ideas. Your essay is also lack of connections between sentences, lack of your own ideas and these make your essay not impressive enough.

I suggest you to reread and rewrite your essay, correct all the mistakes and add some more your own ideas base on my comments the submit your essay again as soon as possible. I am looking forward to receiving your essay.

Thank you, with best regards.

Hi every body! (avoid exclamation mark in formal writing, just use it when you want to express your emotion)
I'm (am) Kim Thuy and I'm a member of class 10A9 at Le Thuy high school.
I was born in Jannuary 9th, 1992 in Lien Thuy village-Le Thuy distrist-Quang Binh province.
I'm 16 years old. I was born in a farm family.
My father is builts the house (do you mean your father is a building worker?) and my mother is a small trader at the market. My father is 44 years old and my mother is 42 years old.
My sister is in grade nineth in Lien Thuy high school and my brother is 5 years old in hope school (could you explain what "hope school" means?).
I'm a (omit "a") small, I am 1.57m and 42kg, rather tall, thin and slim with black long hair (yeah you should eat more).
I like going out to play (omit "to play", "going out" is enough) with my friends, I like the beauty.
I like eating fruits, ice- cream with my friends,
I also like learning Literature, (one space please) Math and (one space please) English.
My dream is to become a literature teacher and a good lawyer.
Every body! I want to learn very (omit "very") well, my parents and my teachers are looking forward to hearing the result of my knowledge.
May I thank you gentlemen very sincerely.
See you again.